The psychology of loneliness
Ritika Lashkari
Let me tell you a story.
A few months ago, a friend of mine—we’ll call her Maya—confessed something over coffee.
She said: “I go to parties, chat with people at work, post stories on Instagram… but when I get home, I feel this giant emptiness. Like I don’t exist.”
That hit me hard.
Because haven’t we all felt that?
Loneliness doesn’t always show up as silence or solitude. Sometimes, it sneaks in even when we’re surrounded by people. In fact, it’s in those moments—where connection should feel natural—that its absence can hurt the most.
If you’ve ever felt like Maya, like something’s missing even when you’re “doing everything right,” you’re not broken.
Let’s talk about why this happens—and how we can begin to heal it.
Key Takeaways
- Loneliness is not a flaw.
- There are 3 major types of loneliness that impact us differently.
- Social media, childhood patterns, and emotional fear often keep us stuck.
- Healing starts with self-awareness, honest relationships, and community.
- You don’t have to do this alone
What Is Loneliness?
Here’s the truth no one talks about:
You can be in love and still feel unseen.
You can have 500 followers and feel forgotten.
You can be in a room with someone and still look for connection.Loneliness is the emotional pain we feel when there’s a gap between the connection we desire and what we actually experience.
It whispers:
“I don’t belong here.”
“I have people… but no one to be real with.”
“No one really knows me.”
Let’s break down why that happens.
5 Hidden Reasons You Still Feel Lonely
1. Digital Closeness Isn’t Real Closeness
Ever scrolled through Instagram, saw your friends hanging out without you, and suddenly felt like a ghost?. That’s digital loneliness.
It tricks you into thinking you’re connected, but really, it feeds comparison and surface-level validation. A heart emoji on a selfie isn’t the same as someone holding space for your tears.
Maya told me, “sometimes, I post just to feel like someone’s listening”
2. You Don’t Feel Emotionally Safe
Think about this: when was the last time you said, “I’m not okay,” and someone just… stayed? No fixing. No judging. Just held space?
For most of us, that’s rare. We were raised to:
- Be “strong”
- “Not make a fuss”
- Be “low maintenance”
Know that wanting feeling safe emotionally is not a sign of weakness.
3. Your Childhood Taught You to Hide
Maybe you heard things like:
- “Stop crying, you’re too sensitive.”
- “Big girls/boys don’t need help.”
So you learned to self-protect early. You built walls and wore smiles. You became independent—but also isolated. As one reader once shared: I learned not to need anyone. Now I don’t know how to let anyone in.
If this resonates with you, know that this is not your fault. That’s your nervous system trying to keep you safe.
4. You’re Afraid of Being a Burden
Think about a time and count
How many messages have you typed out—“I need you,” “Can we talk?”—and deleted?
We do this because asking for help or wanting someone is looked down upon and so we learn to silence ourselves out of shame. The next time you find yourself in this situation, take the first brave step and send that message you always wanted to: “I miss you,” or “I am thinking about you”
5. You’re Comparing Your Real Life to Someone’s Highlights
We see smiling selfies, romantic dinners, group vacations—and we assume everyone else has their tribe figured out, and then when we take a look at our lives we see that we lack all these.
But what you don’t see?
That same person crying in bed. Or feeling anxious at dinner. Or posting to hide their pain.
Social media is a performance. Don’t let someone’s highlight reel convince you your behind-the-scenes life is lacking.
The 3 Types of Loneliness (Which One Is Yours?)
Loneliness isn’t one-size-fits-all. Identifying your type can help you choose the right healing path.
| Type | What It Feels Like | When It Shows Up |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional Loneliness | “No one gets me.” | During relationship conflict or lack of deep conversation |
| Social Loneliness | “I don’t have people to hang with.” | After moving, a breakup, or losing touch with friends |
| Existential Loneliness | “Even surrounded, I feel empty.” | Late at night, after a loss, or in periods of big change |
Maya discovered hers was emotional loneliness.
She had people—but no one to talk to without pretending.
What’s yours?
5 Ways to Start Healing (Even If It Feels Scary)
1. Reconnect With Yourself First
Your first relationship? The one with you.
Start asking:
- What am I really feeling?
- Am I judging my emotions—or listening to them?
- Can I be gentler with myself today?
Try journaling, walking without distractions, or try to find a comfortable place for deep breathing exercise by placing your hand on your heart and just breathing with it.
2. Deepen Just One or Two Connections
You don’t need ten friends. You need one safe one.
Reach out with something simple like:
- “Hey, I’ve been feeling off lately. Can we talk?”
- “I miss real conversations with you. Want to catch up?”
3. Create or Join a Space That Feels Real
Waiting for someone to include you?
What if you created the space?
Ideas:
- Host a coffee circle or book club
- Join a mental health support group
- Attend a local creative meetup
Chances are, someone else is waiting too and this can be a perfect opportunity to build your circle.
4. Let Go of Relationships Where You Have to Perform
If they only love the happy, helpful version of you—are they really your people?
You deserve spaces where you can:
- Be messy
- Be quiet
- Be you
Your worth isn’t based on productivity or performance.
5. Get Professional Support Without Shame
Therapists and coaches don’t just “fix problems”—they help you reconnect with your truth.
There’s no prize for struggling in silence.
Maya started therapy—and in her words: “It was the first time someone asked me, ‘What do you need?’—and actually listened.”
FAQ
Can I feel lonely even if I’m in a relationship?
I don’t want to seem needy. How do I ask for connection?
Is social media making me feel worse?
When should I seek help?
If your chest aches in quiet moments…
If you fake a smile while holding back tears…
If you keep hoping someone will just see you…
This is your reminder:
You’re not invisible. You’re not too much. You’re not weak.
You’re just craving something real. And that craving is so valid.
Start with one truth. One reach. One small act of courage.
Maybe reading this blog was your first one.